Event: WWE Monday Night RAW
Airdate: Monday, March 18th, 2013 (USA Network)
Location: The CONSOL Energy Center, Pittsburgh, PA
Results by Ken Hill
“Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…”
We recap Brock’s annihilation of the New Age Outlaws and his ultimatum to HHH concerning the stipulation for their epic rematch at WM 29. Also, Punk takes things a step or twenty too far as he interrupts Undertaker’s tribute to Paul Bearer and steals the legendary manager’s iconic urn. What fate will Taker have in store for the “Straightedge Assailant”?
We start out big with John Cena, who’s got a new yellow shirt to add to his ever-growing “rainbow collection.” He sense the presence of Rock fans in the crowd tonight. He sees an even split between him and Rocky and tells the fans they have 20 days to pick a side. He has a message for the Rock, same as before: “Your time is over, our time is now.” Since Royal Rumble ’13, Cena’s been on a wave of momentum, but he’s remained focus and won’t make the same mistakes he made last year.
Here come the Primetime Players of all people, with O’Neil, a.k.a. his uncle “Rufus Pancake Patterson”, who’s called “Pancake” because he flattens people. Cena’s befuddled as to why they’re out here, appreciating the effort, but their timing’s off, and hopes he will see them at WM 29. “Rufus” objects, saying that’s why they’re out there, no one WANTS to see Cena at Mania, which actually gets an agreeing pop from the Pittsburgh crowd, but they sour the moment “Rufus” mentions the Players are who people wanna see. He goes on, reminding some fans about how Darren looks just like Cena and how he could be on the box of Cocoa, or Primetime, Pebbles! He thinks Darren could take Cena on, and Darren says Cena will be crying and weeping like the loser he is after tonight. They taunt Cena and he gets serious now. Cena challenges Young to step into the ring. Cena says he will show him what it means to be in the main event of WrestleMania. Cena gets ready for a fight and here comes Young and a referee.
John Cena vs. Darren Young w/Pancake Patterson
Cena works Young over before going for the STF, only for “Pancake” to pull him to safety as we go to commercial…
~Commercial Break~
We come back from the break as Cena goes into his Five Moves of Doom, hitting the Five-Knuckle Shuffle on Young before polishing him off with the AA, all the while staring pointedly at the Wrestlemania 29 sign.
Winner: John Cena
Time: 4:10
Still to come tonight, The Undertaker will return with vengeance in mind for CM Punk.
Cole shows us footage of The Shield interrupting Mark Henry vs. Ryback on SmackDown. We also see Henry beating Ryback up with several World’s Strongest Slams, saying Ryback won’t run through him like the others. Ryback is walking backstage as we take another commercial break.
~Commercial Break~
Ryback vs. David Otunga
Ryback picks up Otunga bodily and drives him into the corner turnbuckle. Ryback charges, but David gets a boot up. More glancing shots by Otunga, but Ryback drops him hard. Nice spinning powerslam by Ryback, followed by the Meathook clothesline, and it’s “Feeding Time” as Ryback finishes off Otunga with the Shell-Shocked for the emphatic three count.
Winner: Ryback
Time: 1:36
Post-match, Ryback makes his plans to tear apart the Shield alongside Randy Orton and Sheamus at Wrestlemania, but promises Mark Henry that their paths will cross before then, and it will be “Feeding Time.” Ryback leads a “FEED! ME! MORE!” chant before Henry makes his presence known. However, Teddy Long and Vickie Guerrero halt him, Long warning him not to take another step, at least for now. Vickie announces that Ryback is off of Wrestlemania…’s six-man tag match, and he will instead face Mark Henry. Ryback is more than pleased and lays Otunga out with another Shell-Shocked to send Henry a message.
Fandango…FINALLY…debuts in the ring next!
~Commercial Break~
Fandango and his lovely chica make their way down the ramp through a large, arching streamer curtain, tango their way to ringside and enter the ring to a lit-up “flaming” cutout of Fandango’s person. Out next comes The Great Khali with Natalya.
Fandango says Khali is far too stupid to pronounce his name correctly. Fandango calls Natalya a Canadian slice of heaven and wants to let her try to say his name. Natalya goes “Fan…Dang…GO GET HIM KHALI!” Khali chases Fandango out of the ring, and the dancer walks away with his lady dancer. He says tonight was the night where we almost got to see the debut of Fandango. CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, he is not. A “you can’t wrestle” chant breaks out.
Barrett defends his IC Championship against both Miz and Jericho later on tonight.
~Commercial Break~
R-Truth vs. Damien Sandow
Truth comes to the ring, rocking some classic “Suntan Superman” pants. Sandow makes his entrance, quoting Henry David Thoreau: “Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.” Thoreau would roll over in his grave if he saw R-Truth now, considering the “R” must stand for “Repugnant.” Truth admits Thoreau was quite the poet, and comes up with one of his own, ending with four sweet words: “You gonna git got!”
The bell rings and they go at it. Sandow takes control with an early pin attempt. Sandow with a headlock now. Truth fights back and rolls Sandow up for 2. Sandow with a clothesline and right hands. Sandow with a suplex and another 2 count. Sandow with a side Russian leg sweep and the Cubito Aequet for another pin attempt. Truth comes back with clotheslines and right hands. Truth with a big head scissors and a kick to the jaw. Truth hits the Lie Detector, but Sandow rolls out of the ring. Sandow walks up the ramp and to the back, getting counted out.
Winner: R-Truth
Time: 3:50
Cody looks on, disappointed with his partner’s loss, but the Bellas console him and fawn over his mustache. Kaitlyn comes up and tells Cody she has something going on later so they can’t hang out. The Bellas say nobody cares. Kaitlyn says they can have Cody’s mustache and he can have theirs. OH NO SHE DITN’T!
The Undertaker is on RAW and he’s coming for the urn…NEXT!
~Commercial Break~
***DONG!***
***DONG!***
The Dead Man cometh! The Undertaker makes his mythic entrance down the ramp, in an even more sullen mood than usual due to Punk’s actions. He says Punk has sealed his own fate. He made this personal, and he’s going to hurt Punk BAD. He’s giving Punk one chance: Return the urn, what is rightfully his.
We hear a rather odd falsetto voice similar to Bearer. Of course, it’s Punk further trolling Undertaker, and of course he means no disrespect to Taker or Bearer. Punk appears on the big screen and apologizes for not being able to hit the high notes Bearer once did. Punk acts like Bearer is speaking to him through the urn. Punk talks about Taker and juggles the urn around while he speaks. Punk says he is a higher power. Punk says he is the one man in the world who can shoulder the burden of snapping The Streak. Punk says he’s ready to walk through hell and receive whatever pain Taker inflicts on him. Punk says he’s the one that will end The Streak. Punk drops the urn and says, “Oh shit!” The crowd, the announcers and Taker himself are simply stunned silent by Punk’s words and actions.
Brock and Triple H’s contract signing is still to come.
~Commercial Break~
We recap Punk’s bold words and actions in “accidentally” dropping the urn.
Non-Title Match: Tag Team Champions Team Hell No vs. The Colons w/Rosa Mendes
A distraught, angry Kane lays into Primo before Bryan tags in to calm him down. Bryan takes Primo down with a lariat, the takes him to the corner for some kicks. Primo counters a corner whip with a sunset flip, but Bryan rolls through with a roundhouse for two. Primo tags Epico in, but Bryan arm drags him. Primo is sent over the ropes by Bryan, but Epico ambushes him. The double team by the Colons, who tag in and out to wear Bryan down. Epico back in with a dropkick for two, then a chin lock. Bryan fights out, but Epico takes him down and Primo is tagged in. He hangs Bryan up on the ropes for 2. Rear chin lock by Primo, but Bryan fights out. He gets caught by the foot, but Bryan rolls Primo through. UN TAG FUEGO to Kane! Kane runs into a boot but catches Primo with a big sidewalk slam. Kane knocks Epico off the apron and climbs to the top for a big right hand. Kane calls for a chokeslam but out comes AJ Lee skipping around the ring. Kane gets rolled up for a 2 count as he was distracted. Epico tags in for some double teaming but Bryan makes the save. Kane chokeslams Epico for the win.
Winners: Team Hell No
Time: 6:08
Kane and Bryan stare at AJ confused after the match. AJ blows a kiss to Daniel and skips away to the back.
Chris Jericho is backstage with Josh Matthews. Jericho brags about his history with the Intercontinental Title as a record 9-time holder and plans on making it 10 times tonight. Fandango of all people interrupts and shows Jericho how his name is said. Jericho calls him Fan-Dumbo, Fan-Dunghole, Fan-Dodge Durango, and a bunch of other funny names. Fandango says Jericho will learn to pronounce his name properly. Wrestlemania 29 match in the works, perhaps?
Still to come, Sheamus and Randy Orton vs. 3MB, as the Celtic Vipers are now bereft of Ryback for their match with The Shield. Also, Alberto Del Rio vs. “The Mustachioed Magnificence” Cody Rhodes is NEXT!
~Commercial Break~
A touching video about WWE working with Nothing But Nets to fight malaria in Africa.
Non-Title Match: World Champion Alberto Del Rio vs. Cody Rhodes
I’m going to have to start timing Ricardo’s announcing along with the matches. We recap WWE Main Event from last week, where Jack Swagger clipped Del Rio’s leg, injuring it and causing Alberto to get counted out against the Big Show.
Cody with a shot to the knee and some right hands. Alberto quickly counters into a nice roll-up for 2. Cody responds with a Goldust uppercut. “HELP A BROTHER OUT!” Cody takes Del Rio to the corner now and works him over. Cody works on Del Rio’s hurt knee now. Cody keeps Del Rio on the mat until he backdrops him. Del Rio charges in the corner but Cody moves and Del Rio hits the ring post. Cody goes back to work on Del Rio and takes him to the corner. Del Rio turns it around and kicks Cody in the back. Cody kicks Cody from the apron to the floor and he hits his head on the way down. We go to commercial…
~Commercial Break~
Cody hits a nice gourdbuster suplex for a near fall on the champ. He wrenches on the bad knee of Del Rio, Alberto fights out, but Cody halts him and props him on the turnbuckle for a superplex. Del Rio blocks, and hits a second-rope gourdbuster! Ouch, bad fall for Rhodes. Del Rio fires up with some clotheslines and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Thrust kick connects for a Del Rio near fall. He goes for the Cross Arm Breaker, but Cody fights out. He counters a corner charge, and Cody with a nice arching moonsault for a near fall! Del Rio sends Cody over the ropes, but he manages to hang on. Del Rio catches him for shots to the back, however, and hits the Backstabber for a near fall before Cody finds the ropes. Del Rio misses a corner charge, but counters Cody into the Cross Arm Breaker and gets the tap out for the win!
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Time: 12:35
After the match, Jack Swagger comes out and attacks Del Rio from behind in the corner. Swagger beats Del Rio down. Ricardo tries to make the save but Swagger stops him and just tosses him to the floor. Del Rio fights back on Swagger and they tumble out of the ring. Del Rio with a big roundhouse to Swagger. Del Rio throws Swagger into the fan barrier. Del Rio approaches Zeb Colter with a look of malice and Zeb pleads with him. Del Rio grabs Zeb but Swagger makes the save from behind. Swagger sends Del Rio into the steel steps and tells him to never lay a hand on Zeb. Swagger tosses Del Rio over the announce table and a “USA” chant breaks out as Swagger looks up at the WrestleMania 29 sign. Swagger and Zeb head to the back, but stop when they see Ricardo. Swagger runs and hits a huge clothesline, flooring Ricardo. Swagger locks in the Patriot Lock on Ricardo as Zeb looks on with glee. Swagger twists Ricardo’s ankle up, seemingly breaks it, and Ricardo screams on the floor in absolute pain. Trainers check on Del Rio and Ricardo as Zeb and Swagger head to the back having made their statement.
I’d say the feud’s been ratcheted up a few notches, wouldn’t you say?
~Commercial Break~
We recap Ricardo’s injury at the hands of Swagger, and it’s “confirmed” that his ankle is indeed broken.
Shifting gears, the latest inductee of the WWE 2013 Hall of Fame…CAN YOU DIG IT, SUCKAAAAAA?! Booker T, the 6-time, 6-time, 6-time, 6-time, 6-time, 6-time World Champion, Da Master of the Spinaroonie, one half of the legendary tag team “Harlem Heat” with brother Stevie Ray…The Booker Man is Hall-of-Fame bound and we can dig it!
The IC Title Triple Threat is still to come, and Randy Orton makes his entrance as the Celtic Vipers face 3MB NEXT!
~Commercial Break~
The Celtic Vipers vs. 3MB (Heath Slater & Drew McIntyre)
We see Swagger’s assault
Drew with a big kick to Sheamus, who counters with a Finlay Roll. Orton tags in, whips Drew to the corner and hits a crisp dropkick. Sheamus tags in and clubbers Drew, hitting a shoulder block over the ropes for 2. Mahal distracts Sheamus, and Drew hits a hard clothesline. Slater tags in and he and Drew lay the boots to Sheamus. Drew tags back in, Sheamus with body shots, but Drew with a big boot. Slater tags in and hits a straight kick for two. Drew tags in, but Sheamus counters and makes the tag to Randy, who fires up on Slater with clotheslines, the snap powerslam and the Snakebite DDT. Sheamus with a Brogue Kick for Mahal and McIntyre, and Slater falls to the RKO soon after for 3.
Winner: Orton & Sheamus
Time: 3:48
The Shield’s music hits and they make their way to the ring to gang up on Orton and Sheamus. They dare the Shield to enter, then Big Show’s music hits and he storms the ring, much to everyone’s surprise. The Shield contemplate entering, but Reigns gathers Ambrose and Rollins and decide to favor a “tactical” retreat. Show, Orton & Sheamus have a staredown. Show points to the WM 29 sign and makes his leave, giving Orton & Sheamus a “You got a better idea?” look before heading up the ramp.
A “exclusive” look at GI Joe 2, featuring The Rock.
Still to come, Triple H and Lesnar’s contract signing.
~Commercial Break~
20 days ’til the Grandest Stage of Them All, Wrestlemania 29!
Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler w/AJ Lee & Big E. Langston
Dolph versus Kofi, part six quintillion or so, I’d guesstimate.
Cole recaps Ziggler knocking off both Bryan and Kane last week, along with Big E. disposing of both tag team champs after the matches.
Kofi starts with an arm wringer. Ziggler rolls out, Kofi with a crisp arm drag and locks the arm. Dolph counters into a headlock takeover. Kofi up, but Dolph with a shoulder block. Kofi floats under and over, and gets an flying elbow. He misses a corner splash, and Dolph covers for 2. A snap dropkick by Dolph get another 2 count. Ziggler cinches in a headstand headlock in classic Show-Off style. Kofi fights out and flings Dolph into the corner turnbuckle. Kofi tries to fire up, but misses the Superman punch and Dolph tries the sleeper, but Kofi counters, lays out ZIggler and hits a big springboard spinning splash for a near fall. He hits the Boom Drop, goes for Trouble in Paradise. Dolph catches him for a reverse Exploder suplex. Kofi lands on his feet and hits a slingshot kick on a charging Dolph. AJ distracts Kofi as he goes up. Ziggler out to ringside, Kofi charges him, and Big E. just SWATS Kofi out of the air as AJ distracts the ref. Ziggler rolls Kofi back in, and hits the Zig Zag to cinch the 3 count.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Time: 4:38
Kane and Bryan out post-match to congratulate Ziggler, but rather they congratulate Dolph for getting Team Hell No on the same page. Kane mentions he’s NOT in a good place right now, but applauds Big E. for looking strong with what he does outside the ring, and wants to see what he can do inside it. He and Bryan challenge Big E. and Dolph to a tag team match. Big E. looks anxious to accept, Dolph the exact opposite. AJ on the mic, and says Dolph and Langston accept, ONLY if the tag titles are on the line at Wrestlemania. Do Bryan and Kane accept? YES! YES! YES! They and the crowd chant it, and Kane sets off his pyro as the match is on!
~Commercial Break~
Cole and King once again recap the “despicable” actions of CM Punk with Paul Bearer’s urn and his bold words to the Undertaker.
We get the “special preview” video that we saw last week with Cena and the Rock. It’s a nice video and all, but something’s missing to help this along just a little…oh, like an appearance by the actual WWE Champion BEFORE Wrestlemania, perhaps?
Miz’s music hits, and the Triple Threat match for the Intercontinental Title is NEXT!
~Commercial Break~
Triple Threat Match for the Intercontinental Championship: Wade Barrett (c) vs. The Miz vs. Chris Jericho
We’re reminded of why the Triple Threat came about, a result of Barrett becoming physically involved and trying to take out both potential opponents, only to fail and get a SCF and Codebreaker for his efforts.
Barrett goes after the Miz first, but Jericho with a shot from behind and nails an elbow on Barrett for a 2 count. Barrett tossed to the outside, and Miz rolls Jericho up for two. Barrett knocked off the apron, Miz sent to the outside, and Jericho flies over the rope onto both men. Back in the ring, Wade with headbutts to Jericho, who counters with a dropkick for two. Miz drags Jericho out of the ring, and sunset flips Barrett for two. Miz with the corner clothesline and kicks Jericho while on the apron. Barrett stops Miz on the top rope. He goes for a superplex on Miz, but Jericho in now and hits the Tower of Doom (Powerbomb superplex). All three men are laid out in the ring as we go to commercial.
~Commercial Break
Barrett with a pumphandle drop for two on Jericho. Jericho fires back with a chop, but Wade reverses with a knee to Jericho’s gut for two. Barrett with the rear chin lock. Jericho fights out, Wade reverse a whip, but Jericho gets a boot up. He fires up with clotheslines and hits a cross body for two. Miz low bridges Jericho, hits the axe handle on Barrett for two. Barrett counters the Miz neckbreaker and hits the Winds of Change for a near fall. Miz takes out Barrett’s knee and locks in the Figure Four! Jericho in, hits the Lionsault on Miz! One…two…Thr-NO! Miz sent outside by Barrett, he goes for Wasteland on Jericho, who floats through into the Walls of Jericho! It’s in! Miz back in, goes for the SCF, Jericho fights it. Barrett charges, and gets tossed by both men over the top rope. Jericho rolls through for a near fall. Codebreaker on Miz! Wade pushes Jericho out to steal the pinfall. ONE…TWO…Jericho pulls Barrett out of the ring! He tosses Wade hard into the barricade. Jericho back in to cover Miz for another near fall. Miz plants Jericho with a DDT for 2. Miz misses a clothesline in the corner. Jericho dropkicks Barrett to the floor from the apron. Miz drops Jericho with a kick to the face, ONE…TWO…THR-NO! Jericho with chops on Miz. Jericho misses an enziguri. More back and forth. Jericho with a roll up for another near fall. Miz catches Jericho and hits a Skull Crushing Finale. Barrett runs in and breaks the pin, rolling Miz up for the surprise three! Pretty awesome triple threat affair here!
Winner and STILL IC Champion: Wade Barrett
Time: 12:20
We get footage from the world premiere party for WWE Studios’ The Call.
We see some fan Touts for the Brock Lesnar vs. Triple H stipulation, such as Three Stages of Hell, Falls Count Anywhere, and an Iron Man match. Triple H is headed to the ring as we go back to commercial.
~Commercial Break~
We see that Cena is on the cover of the latest issue of Men’s Fitness.
The contract signing is up next to end RAW!
We’re officially in overtime here as Triple H makes his entrance for the contract signing at 11:00 P.M. on the dot. Cole and Lawler lament the dilemma of Triple H not knowing what stipulation he faces in his match with Lesnar unless he signs the contract right then and there.
Heyman and a few security guards make their way down to the ring. Hunter thought Lesnar would be one to face him even after being split open. Heyman denies the implication that Lesnar is afraid, as he is fearless. Heyman admits to being afraid of Triple H, because he knows what kind of situation he’s in. If he doesn’t sign, he denies himself and the fans a great Wrestlemania match. The second option, he signs the contract not knowing what the stipulations are. Heyman thinks Triple H doesn’t know what to do yet and is very frustrated. Heyman doesn’t want those frustrations taken out on him so that’s why he has security with him. Triple H knocks the quality of Heyman’s security. Heyman shows that Lesnar has already signed the contract. He says he will reveal the stipulations only after Triple H signs.
Triple H is ready to do this and asks for the contract. Heyman says he wants to take a minute and really enjoy this. Heyman says they have spent time watching one piece of footage over and over again. Heyman shows footage from three weeks ago when Lesnar and Triple H brawled at ringside, leaving Lesnar busted open. Heyman asks, “How do you top that?” Heyman says he knows and says in an over-the-top sarcastic tone that it will be Triple H blindfolded at WrestleMania. “Nah,” he says. Heyman jokingly says it will be Triple H with his hands cuffed and ankles shackled in the match. Nope, not that one either. Heyman says Lesnar is letting Heyman pick the stipulation. Heyman says the winner of the match gets Stephanie McMahon. Heyman says that wouldn’t work. It would be more fitting if the LOSER gets Stephanie. Ooooh boy, Paul E. just never learns, does he?
Triple H flips his shit and pulls Heyman over the desk. Security attacks Triple H but he fights them off and tosses them out of the ring, except for the last one, who does the smartest thing IN THE WORLD and bails on Heyman. Triple H grabs Heyman by his hair and slams his face into the table. Triple H rips Heyman’s shirt over and hits him in the chest. Heyman screams for Lesnar’s help. Triple H says he knows Brock isn’t coming out until he signs the contract; Hunter echoes Heyman’s sentiment about taking his time and enjoying this. Triple H smacks Heyman around as he screams for Lesnar.
Brock finally comes out, crashing a steel chair around the stage. He marches to the ring, while Triple H pulls a sledgehammer from the table! Brock just seemingly laughs it off and tosses the chair at a waiting Game. Heyman wards Brock off, saying they’ve won this round tonight as they pace around the ring and back up the ramp. Heyman says the beating was worth it tonight to get Triple H to sign the contract. It will be Triple H versus Brock Lesnar with no count-outs, no disqualifications and no stoppage for any and all reasons…NO HOLDS BARRED! The crowd seems a mite underwhelmed by the choice, that is, until Heyman announces an added stipulation: Triple H’s career is on the line! Hunter nearly drops the hammer in shock as Heyman mockingly waves good-bye and says “Game Over” as Brock looks on with a menacing grin.
End show.
Credit: Ken Hill
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