Date: Sunday, April 29, 2012
Location: Allstate Arena – Chicago, IL

Extreme Rules Intro

Fireworks go off.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler and Booker T are the announcers.

Kane vs. Randy Orton

Kane comes out.

They show a recap of their feud etc.

Randy Orton comes out.

The Spanish announce team is there also. They are introduced by Michael Cole and they say something in Spanish.

Really foggy cause of the pyro.

They start fighting. Kane grabs a lead pipe from under the ring about a minute into the match but Orton fights him off and he picks up the pipe and hits Kane in the stomach, then in the back, then in the face, knocking him over the top to the outside. Orton follows him and goes to hit him with the pipe outside but Kane fights back and regains control.

Now they are fighting through the crowd. Booker T says “this is what Extreme Rules is all about.”

“Big Red Machine”

They keep punching each other and stuff outside for like 5 mins. Booker T acting really excited about this match. Keeps saying Big Red Machine.

They punch each other for like another 5 mins and finally end up at the entrance way. Randy Orton dropkicks Kane and goes for a pin but Kane kicks out.

They end up backstage. Kane smashes Orton into some shit. Can’t hear the crowd and it sounds all quiet and boring.

Orton throws Kane into some room where “WWE personnel” is watching the PPV. Zack Ryder attacks Kane and Orton hits a backbreaker on Kane but Kane fights back and throws Orton into some pipes or something that are in the room for some reason. They leave the room.

They finally end up back in the ring after a bunch of boring moves.

Orton hits a powerslam and has some “maniacal” look on his face. He grabs a chair from under the ring. “Oh baby, here comes the steel.” – Booker T

Orton hits Kane like 8 times with the chair then stops. “He better not let up on that Big Red Machine.” – Booker T

Orton rips the top off the announce table and takes the monitors off. Seems like they would have flat screens or something by now. Kane grabs Orton for a chokeslam but Orton breaks free and does some stuff, then hits a DDT on the outside but Kane kicks out.

Orton goes for the RKO but Kane pushes him into the steel post. Orton kicks out. Back into the ring. Kane goes to the top rope but Orton knocks him down. Orton goes for a superplex from the top rope, and hits it. Kane kicks out.

Orton goes for an RKO but Kane counters, pushes him into the ropes, hits the chokeslam. Orton kicks out. Kane “can’t believe it.”

Kane waits for Orton to get up, then goes for a Tombstone on the steel chair, but Orton counters and hits an RKO on the chair. 1, 2, 3.

Winner: Randy Orton

Eve, Teddy Long, John Laurinaitis Backstage

Eve, Teddy Long, and John Laurinaitis are backstage drinking champagne. I went to go get some Double Stuf Oreos.

Laurinaitis gets a call on his phone, and it is Triple H on the other line. Laurinaitis says, “sure I can talk. Let me go into a more private place.” and he leaves.

Brodus Clay vs. Dolph Ziggler

Brodus Clay comes out with two broads, dancing.

Hornswoggle comes out with him and Michael Cole is really mad @ him.

“Excuse me. Excuse me.” Vickie Guerrero comes out and the crowd boos. She introduces Dolph Ziggler and he comes out with Jack Swagger, who is wearing a suit.

They wrestle for a few mins.

After like 7 mins, Swagger climbs on the apron and distracts Clay, Ziggler attacks him from behind but Brodus Clay hits him or something. Ziggler runs at Clay but he hits him with a flying headbutt to the chest, then hits a “big splash” and pins Ziggler. w/e

Winner: Brodus Clay

Dancing etc. Feeling embarrassed

Intercontinental Championship: Tables Match: Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes

Lilian Garcia: “The following is a tables match. The only way to win is to put your opponent through a table.”

For the Intercontinental Title

I am eating Double Stuf Oreos and Wise Ridgies Cheddar & Sour Cream Flavored Ridged Potato Chips

They wrestle, then they go and start fighting outside after like 3 mins. Big Show tries to throw Rhodes through a table but Rhodes “wriggles free.” They fight more. Big Show throws Rhodes about 5 feet by the head, then throws him back into the ring. Sets up a table in the corner. Throws Rhodes into the corner but Rhodes leaps off the table with his foot and kicks Big Show in the face. What if the table broke right there, seemed dangerous

They start fighting on the outside for a minute or so.

Big Show sets up a table outside. He throws Rhodes into the ring. He climbs on the apron, but Rhodes dropkicks him. Big Show falls backwards off the apron and steps on the table on the outside, and goes through it. The table breaks with Big Show’s weight, and the match is over.

Winner: Cody Rhodes – New Intercontinental Champion

Cody Rhodes starts celebrating with the title and Big Show looks “shocked.” He eventually runs into the ring and hits a spear on Rhodes. Sets up a table in the middle of the ring, then hits a chokeslam on Rhodes through the table. “Big Show should be fined, he should be suspended.” – Michael Cole

Crowd chants “one more time.”

Big Show picks him up over his head then throws him outside through a table. Then he walks backstage, looking all “mad.”

Referees “tend” to Rhodes after the match. He eventually gets up and raises the title over his head, and he also walks backstage.

Daniel Bryan Interview

Daniel Bryan is backstage, being interviewed by some guy whose name I don’t know. He asks him, “Why do you feel that you have the advantage over Sheamus tonight” or something.

Bryan says, “That’s a stupid question. Teachers like you are the reason the American educational system has fallen out of the top 20 rankings.”

“Let’s see, how many advantages do you want? I get more chicks than Sheamus. My beard is manlier than Sheamus’s beard will ever be. My stomach is not weighed down by 5 pounds of corned beef. I am better than Sheamus in every way imaginable.”

Crowd chants “Yes” every time he stops talking.

Bryan: “Sheamus is a lot like the crowd in Chicago. Chicagoans think they’re the best crowd in the WWE universe, but just like Sheamus, they are overrated and unoriginal. Am I smarter than Sheamus? Yes. Am I in better condition than Sheamus? Yes. Will I become the two time Heavyweight champion tonight? Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”

He walks off and AJ is shown “lurking” in the background.

World Heavyweight Championship: Two Out of Three Falls: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan

Daniel Bryan comes out first and then Sheamus comes out second.

They wrestle for like 5 mins. Sheamus hits a “rolling senton” but Bryan kicks out. Sheamus suddenly locks on a “cloverleaf” submission, but Bryan grabs the bottom rope. Sheamus tries the submission again but Bryan rolls him up, but Sheamus kicks out.

Bryan knocks Sheamus outside, then jumps off the apron, but Sheamus catches him and throws him back-first into the crowd barrier. Rolls Bryan into the ring and goes to the top rope, but Bryan knocks him down and regains control of the match.

Wonder if this match will go to three falls.

A lot of rest holds by Bryan. Sheamus finally starts fighting back and regains control. Punches Bryan in the chest ten times as the crowd counts. Bryan suddenly rolls Sheamus up but he kicks out. Bryan eventually goes for a hurricanrana from the top rope but Sheamus blocks it. Sheamus goes for The Razor’s Edge, but Bryan counters and rolls him up but Sheamus kicks out. Bryan tries to lock on The Yes Lock like 3 times but Sheamus fights back.

Bryan throws Sheamus into the steel post and Sheamus hurts his shoulder. Bryan kicks Sheamus in the shoulder like 20 times, chanting “Yes” after each time. The referee tries to stop Bryan but Bryan keeps kicking him and the referee disqualifies him for some reason.

Winner of First Fall by Disqualification: Sheamus

Bryan looks mad and locks on the Yes Lock on the “injured” shoulder of Sheamus. “I think the arm is broken.” – Booker T

Sheamus is “out” after like a minute of the Yes Lock. Referee stops it and Bryan wins the second fall by submission.

Winner of Second Fall via Yes Lock: Daniel Bryan

Bryan chants “Yes!” along with the crowd. Crowd chants “Yes!” then “No!”

Referee calls for “officials” to come check on Sheamus. Refs ask Sheamus if he’s OK and he says yes. Sheamus finally gets up after a couple of minutes and the third fall starts.

Bryan immediately runs at Sheamus but he hits a Brogue Kick on Bryan. 1, 2, kick out.

They “trade blows” and Bryan kicks Sheamus in the head, then goes to the top rope, but Sheamus punches him and goes to the middle rope and tries a suplex, but Bryan headbutts him 4 times and knocks him down. Top rope… Bryan dives but misses and they are both down.

They get up. Bryan runs at Sheamus but Sheamus nails Bryan a few times, regaining momentum. Hits “The Irish Curse” backbreaker. Brogue Kick. 1, 2, 3.

Winner: Sheamus

Handicap Match: Aaron Relic & Jay Hatton vs. Ryback

Santino Marella backstage, watching two bros on TV.

“Aaron Relic & Jay Hatton.”

Crowd boos.

Two “jobbers.” They get on the mic.

First bro: “For the last several weeks, over on Smackdown, many men have tried to make a name for themselves in their first ever WWE matches. And they’ve all fallen flat on their faces. But no one superstar stands a chance against two at the same time. Especially us two.”

Second bro: “Who here likes math? […] Two is greater than one. Two is greater than one. Two is greater than one. Two is greater than one. Two is greater than one. Two is greater than one.”

“These two can star in a new TV show, One and a Half Men.” – Jerry Lawler

Michael Cole “ROFLing” at that joke.

Ryback comes out.

First guy fighting Ryback. He is really small and stuff. Ryback “destroys him.”

Crowd chants “Goldberg.”

Ryback hits his finisher or something on both of the guys. He piles them on top of each other and pins them both after like 1 min 30 seconds.

Winner: Ryback

CM Punk Interview

CM Punk interviewed backstage by that guy.

“Chris Jericho has gone out of his way to humiliate you and besmirch the reputation of your family members, who are here tonight. What are your thoughts?”

CM Punk: “Two things, the first one being tonight’s not just any old match. It’s a street fight. Chicago style. Everyone knows what that means but I don’t think Chris Jericho knows what that means. […] On Monday Night Raw, I passed my sobriety test with flying colors. […] Jericho’s a sad, pathetic little man. […] Tonight, I get to prove that I’m the best in the world in front of my family and 20,000 of my friends. Tomorrow, someone’s waking up with a hangover and it’s not gonna be me, it’s gonna be Jericho. Not because of booze, but because I put him to sleep.”

WWE Championship: Street Fight: CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho comes out first.

CM Punk comes out. His sister in the front row. Michael Cole says his mom is here too.

Bell rings and they run at each other and start punching. CM Punk gains momentum and attacks Jericho to the outside. He throws two steel chairs into the ring, then grabs a singapore cane from under the ring. Back in the ring, nails Jericho with the cane. Crowd chants “ECW.”

CM Punk’s hair seems perfect. Hasn’t gotten messed up at all yet.

Shot of CM Punk’s sister. Kinda hot I guess.

Some stuff happens for a couple of minutes and Jericho dropkicks Punk to the outside and regains control. They fight on the outside some more. Back in the ring, Jericho removes the top turnbuckle pad. CM Punk fights back and chops Jericho a few times then runs at Jericho in the corner but Jericho moves and Punk falls to the outside.

Jericho removes the padding from the crowd barricade in front of Punk’s sister and nails Punk’s head into it, then taunts Punk’s sister. Sister slaps Jericho. Jericho runs at her but Punk saves her and starts punching Jericho. Punk “flips out” and starts removing stuff from the announce table. He bodyslams Jericho on the announce table “hood” thing that’s on the floor, and it breaks in half. Punk takes his shirt off. Goes for a piledriver on Jericho but Jericho counters and flips him over. Jericho grabs the announce table monitor from 1989 and hits Punk with it.

“I’ve seen a bunch of these matches and this is what a Chicago Street Fight is all about.” – Booker T

“About what…” – Michael Cole

“About pain. I wish you would be on the receiving end.” – Booker T

“If you fight like you deliver your commentary, I’ll be fine.” – Michael Cole

Back in the ring, Jericho hits Punk with the Singapore cane and taunts Punk, saying “look at your sister. You’re nothing but a drunk.” Jericho goes outside and pulls out a beer from under the ring for some reason. Says “here’s to you, Punk” and pours the beer all over Punk. Jericho pulls another beer out. He starts to pour it in his own mouth but Punk kicks Jericho in the stomach, then hits him with the cane a few times.

Swinging neck breaker by Punk. Running high knee on Jericho in the corner, then a bulldog. Hits Jericho “where the sun don’t shine” with the cane. Goes for the “Go to Sleep” but Jericho counters, tries the Walls of Jericho, but Punk counters. Off the rope, powerslam by Punk, kickout by Jericho.

CM Punk goes to the top rope but Jericho falls on the ropes and knocks Punk down on the top rope. Jericho goes for a middle rope suplex, but Punk fights him off and knocks Jericho back down. Hair is finally a lil messed up. Punk goes to the top rope. Elbow drop. Jericho kicks out.

CM Punk goes for the Go To Sleep, but Jericho counters and hits a bulldog off the ropes. Goes for the Lionsault but Punk stops him and goes for the Go To Sleep, but Jericho counters again and throws Punk into the corner, where a steel chair was for some reason. 1, 2, kick out by Punk.

Codebreaker by Jericho. Goes for the Walls of Jericho and locks it on… Turns into a Boston Crab. “Now he’s really got it locked in.” – Michael Cole. Punk grabs the bottom rope, but Cole says that it’s a Chicago Street Fight, and ropes do not cause a break. Punk grabs a fire extinguisher from under the ring and sprays Chris Jericho with it, breaking the Walls of Jericho.

Crowd chants “CM Punk.” CM Punk hits Jericho in the stomach with the fire extinguisher. They go to the outside and Punk hits him with it again. Punk kicks Jericho on the head and he falls onto the spanish announce table. CM Punk goes to the top rope. Almost falls off the top rope by accident, but regains his balance. Elbow through the Spanish announce table off the top rope.

Rolled into the ring. CM Punk pins Jericho but Jericho kicks out. Anaconda Vice locked on by Punk. Jericho hits Punk with the singapore cane a few times and he breaks the hold. They are both down. Bunch of non-alcoholic beer stains on the ring.

CM Punk grabs a chair and hits Jericho with it, then tries again but Jericho hits a codebreaker with the steel chair. Punk kicks out.

Jericho screams at CM Punk. Grabs Punk by his hair, messing it up. Jericho goes for a Go To Sleep on Punk but Punk counters, hits a slingshot on Jericho into the exposed turnbuckle. Go to Sleep by Punk, 1, 2, 3.

Winner: CM Punk

Santino Marella vs. The Miz Recap, Beth Phoenix, Eve, Bella Twins Backstage

From the Extreme Rules pre-show earlier tonight, they show the end of Santino Marella vs. The Miz for the US Title.

Santino takes out the cobra, but Miz kicks him, but Santino does hit Miz with it and pins him for the win, and stuff.

Backstage:

Really muscular broad backstage talking to the Bella Twins, saying she will wrestle them tonight even though she’s injured. Beth Phoenix. Eve walks up to her and says she’s not medically cleared to wrestle. Bella Twins go to leave, but Eve says they promised the fans a Divas championship match, and the opponent will be a surprise.

Divas Championship: Nikki Bella vs. Layla

Bella Twins get on the mic: “Finally the title’s back where it belongs, with the Bellas. Because we deserve it. And you all should get used to us out here, because I will be the longest running Divas champion in history. So come out, come out whoever you are, mystery woman, and face us, because the title isn’t going anywhere.”

The mystery opponent is Layla.

Layla wearing a knee brace, “coming back from a knee injury.” They wrestle for a couple of minutes. Nikki Bella starts attacking Layla’s knee. Clothesline by Layla. Crossbody block off the middle rope. Layla attacks the other Bella twin, but Nikki pulls her down by her hair.

Layla starts arguing with the ref for a second and Nikki rolls outside and switches places with Brie Bella. Brie runs in but Layla hits her with a Rude Awakening, for the win.

Winner and New Divas Champion: Layla

John Laurinaitis Interview

Backstage, that guy tries to interview John Laurinaitis and asks him why he was talking to Triple H. He says that he and Triple H spoke about some business that doesn’t concern the interview guy, but will be addressed tomorrow night on Raw.

John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar

Brock Lesnar comes out first. Wearing a t-shirt of himself with cut off sleeves. Crowd doesn’t seem into it. Takes off his shirt. Pretty much wearing UFC gear. Gloves and red shorts and stuff, with short boots.

John Cena comes out. Lesnar in the corner. Looks nervous or something.

Bell rings, Cena runs at Lesnar but Lesnar takes him down and starts punching him “MMA style” then gets up and clotheslines Cena. Cena gets up and takes down Lesnar, and they both start grappling some more. Lesnar punching Cena on the mat again.

John Cena is bleeding. Other refs come in to check on Cena. Giant bloody mark on Lesnar’s back from Cena’s face. Cole says Cena was busted open from an elbow. They show replays of Lesnar elbowing Cena. Connected on his head pretty hard I guess.

After a minute or two, Cena gets up and runs at Lesnar, but Lesnar punches him down again and throws him outside.

Cena bleeding from like the top of his head, not his forehead, doesn’t seem like a “blade.” Or maybe it is, idk. Blood pouring off his head, “official” in black shirt comes to check on him again.

Elbow by Lesnar, and a German suplex on Cena. And another German Suplex. Lesnar “dominating” so far. Cena tries to fight back with elbows of his own. Shoulder block by Cena on Lesnar, who is knocked into the referee, who gets knocked out to the outside of the ring.

Lesnar punches Cena again though and regains control. Punches at his “open wound.” Wipes Cena’s blood off on his own chest. Ref is still down after like 3 minutes. Lesnar shoulder blocking Cena in the corner. Grabs Cena’s arm and locks on a submission, but no ref. Cena is knocked outside, and Lesnar starts jumping around in place in the ring.

Lesnar grabs John Cena’s chain, which was on the turnbuckle post. Wraps it around his fist, but then throws it away and just kicks Cena instead. Now he grabs the chain and wraps it around both of Cena’s ankles. Cena’s legs chained together and stuff. He tries to get up. Clothesline by Lesnar. Lesnar lifts Cena and puts him on the top rope, but Cena falls and gets hung upside down on the turnbuckle by the chained ankles. Lesnar starts “going to work” on him and lets Cena loose after like 30 seconds. Referee is still down after like 10 mins.

Lesnar checks on the ref. Cena starts punching Lesnar but he throws Cena into the steel steps. “Dominating” the entire match so far. Lesnar picks up the ref by his shirt, with one hand, and throws him into the ring.

Cena climbs back into the ring, and Lesnar hits the F5 on him, but Cena’s legs knock the referee down again. Goes for the pin, but the ref’s out. Another ref runs in and starts counting, but Cena kicks out. Lesnar is mad and attacks the new ref, knocking him out of the ring.

Lesnar goes outside and grabs the steel steps and throws them into the ring. Sets them up in the middle of the ring and climbs them and taunts Cena from atop the steps. Cena tries to fight back but Lesnar locks on a “kimura” submission on Cena on top of the steps in the middle of the ring. Cena fights back and lifts Lesnar up then falls back down, with Lesnar’s back landing on the steps.

Cena goes to the top rope and goes for a leg drop, but Lesnar moves out of the way. Cena rolls outside. Lesnar climbs the steel steps again in the middle of the ring and starts taunting Cena, waiting for him to come back into the ring. Cena climbs the apron… Lesnar runs off the rope, off the steps, and over the top onto Cena, but Lesnar falls really awkwardly outside.

Lesnar laughs off the fall and climbs back into the ring, taunting Cena again from the middle of the ring.

Cena climbs the apron again, Lesnar tries the same move again but Cena hits him with the chain. Lesnar is out.

Cena’s forehead a “crimson mask.” Lesnar is bleeding now.

Cena waiting for Lesnar to get up… Attitude Adjustment on the steel steps in the middle of the ring. Ref comes in… 1… 2… 3. wtf.

Winner: John Cena

ok

Brock Lesnar stumbles outside and stumbles down the aisle, backstage.

“Cena is still the face of the WWE” – Michael Cole

Cena climbs the steps in the middle of the ring and celebrates. I dunno.

He gets on the mic. “I’m probably gonna get sent home for speaking when I’m not spoken to but I think I’m headed home anyway. And if I know my boss he’s gonna kick me out the door but he’s gonna do it on air. Chicago, I know this is CM Punk’s town but above all else, this is a wrestling town. Tonight you people were supposed to see the extreme. I got no left arm, I’m tasting my own blood and I’m damn proud to say it was in Chicago. All of us, everything we have, every night for you guys, and if I gotta take a vacation, so be it. If I’m going away for a while, I just want to say thanks for one hell of a last ride. I feel great, even with this Chicago crowd that may more may not like me. I wouldn’t want to do it any other way. Thank you so much, guys, get home safe.”

Walks down the aisle and the PPV is over.

Quick Results

• Randy Orton defeated Kane via an RKO on a steel chair
• Brodus Clay defeated Dolph Ziggler via big splash
• Intercontinental Championship: Tables Match: Cody Rhodes defeated Big Show via Big Show stepping on and breaking a table
• World Heavyweight Championship: Two Out of Three Falls: Sheamus defeated Daniel Bryan (2-1)
• Handicap Match: Ryback defeated Aaron Relic & Jay Hatton
• WWE Championship: Street Fight: CM Punk defeated Chris Jericho via Go To Sleep
• Divas Championship: Layla defeated Nikki Bella via neck breaker
• John Cena defeated Brock Lesnar via Attitude Adjustment on Steel Stairs